Calling it Quits?

One of the big stories in the news this week was that the Captain and Tennille are calling it quits after 39 years of marriage.  Rumor has it that Toni Tennille, 73, filed for divorce against husband and singing-partner Daryl Dragon, 71.




The couple, who are best known for their hits "Muskrat Love" and "Love Will Keep Us Together," married in 1975, which is the same year they released their first album. The couple have continue to record together over the years, and most recently released the album "ICON" in 2013.

As stories about the couple hit the news, media outlets and Facebook were was satiated with comments from

"That's just stupid. Anything that's lasted 39 years is worth working at"  and

"Why? You're old as hell and you've been married for 4 decades. Why divorce now?" and finally, "how sad... I don't get how you give up after 40 years?"

I understand some of these statements because of my own divorce.  After 40 years with one man (36 of them married), I, too, felt those same sentiments.  How can a person give up on so much history?  A history that will never be matched...one of growing up together.

Relationships are over by choice only.  The idea that long-term marriages must mean so little that one can still walk away without counseling always baffles me.   Marriage counselors the world over promise that they can heal marriages to be better than ever. 

There have been rumors that the divorce was financially necessary because the Captain has a parkinsons-type neurological disease, and health benefits would be more beneficial if he were single.  Time will tell.

In the meantime, I wish nothing but the best for Tennille and Daryl, unless "some sweet talking girl came along, singing her song........." . 

 

See?  I still have my sense of humor.  Just hope The Captain and Tennille does, too, because a sense of humor CAN "Keep us Together." 

It was the Best of Times.....it was the Worst of Times...

It was the Best of Times.....it was the Worst of Times...

This Charles Dickens' line seems to sum up my life of the past 7 years.  These few years or so have been both amazing (birth of my 5 grandchildren) and heartbreaking.  In this short period, I unwillingly became a divorcee after 36 years

Mom and Dad (Anthony & Jean Pitrone)

of marriage, I lost my mother to the debilitating effects of rheumatoid arthritis, and then a few short years later, I lost my dad.

I never expected to go through a messy break-up after 40 years with one man, nor had I envisioned nursing my parents in their senior years. 

I had my sisters to rely on during these difficult times.  If it weren't for them, I don't know how I would have made it through my divorce. 

Nine Pitrone Siblings with their dad

And the care of my parents?  None of us sisters could have remained sane giving the care we did by ourselves, but together, it was manageable for 6 years (my mother for 3 years and immediately following, my dad for another 3 years). 


We had some minor challenges, but we gave the most loving, tender and compassionate care to our parents. 

For those 6 years, it was us siblings who took care of the doctor appointments, medications, shopping, finances, cleaning house, dinners every night (breakfast and lunches, too) and even the all-important recreation (making sure our parents could get out and still experience life, no matter how difficult).  We were fortunate to be able to keep them in their own home.  My dad lived to be 100 and my mom to 87, so I always thought longevity was in my genes...


Joe Pitrone



Then the worst of times struck again.  It's never easy. You expect your parents to go before you, but never a sibling.


My oldest brother Joe was taken ill with a bone marrow disease.  He had his ups and downs during his illness (he had two stem-cell transplants...my sister Janet was his perfect match), but never in my life had I seen a person accept his fate with such bravery, courage and humor.  Joe has set the bar high for the rest of us.

Joe was a successful business man, a friend to many, and had traveled the world numerous times over, experiencing things that most only dream of.  He lived 3 life-times in his short 70 years.  He also was the definition of patriarch to his large family of 4 girls and 12 grandchildren. 

Typical Joe and Jeanine

As for Joe and Jeanine as a couple?  

They were the best.  They were the perfect model during their 50 year marriage....I know....I know...a lot of that is due to "Saint Jeanine" some would say.  But Joe, too.  He did many little things that many men never think of doing.

I remember many years ago when Joe had all of us (yes, about 20 of us) over for a spaghetti dinner......made by him and him alone.   Even then, as a teenager, I thought, "Wow, Joe cooked?"

He would also re-arrange the furniture in his home by himself!  I thought "What man does that without being asked?" 

 

Joey hocking tickets at the
Kid Rock Concert we attended

More recently, when Joe and Jeanine were waiting for the finishing touches to be put on the beautiful lake house they were building, I was blessed to have them stay with me for a couple weeks. 

I was going through my own divorce at the time, and they helped me through that, too.  It was during that time I got to know Joe so much better.

One night Joe insisted that I go with them to the movie titled...."Knocked Up." I  didn't really want to go, but I caved in to his insistence. Although the movie was down on the list, way waaay down, of my favorite flicks, Joe showed me that even the most mundane or littlest things could be fun.  I am so thankful that Joe and I bonded during the past 8 years.

Family Boat Trip

And Joe planned the best family trips.  No one will forget when we, yes all 36 of us, ages infant to 76, became "Boat People"  aboard 6 houseboats for a week on the Trent-Severn Waterway in Canada.  Even with the threat of a tornado after sailing off, Joe had his daughter, Jodie, jump in the water to get the fun started.....making sure we all had a good time....and we did!  

If Joe planned the fun times, we'd ALL show up knowing we'd have a good time and the event would be successful.

One particular sweltering hot summer night Joe and I talked until the early hours of the morning on my front porch.  I treasure that night.  We were going to "share" a bottle of wine, but Joe ended up drinking it all! 

Joe and Jeanine with their 4 girls
and our dad on his 100th

I've never seen anyone who could get so much accomplished as my brother.  He never stopped!  Up early and on the go.  I would wear out just watching him!



Joe's larger-than-life personality will always be the guiding-light for his kids and grandkids. 

 

He had a big influence on them, his brothers and sisters, and everyone with whom he came in contact.

 

You will be missed brother Joe.

 

Is My Garage a Reflection of My Life?

My fingers, in desperate need of a manicure, were already reaching for the button that was velcroed to my visor even before I had rounded the drive to my home.  And before the door had entirely inched its way to the top, my silver/gray Chrysler 300 rolled to a stop deep inside my garage.

“I’ve just got to get rid of this darn junk,” I thought for the umpteenth time, “everything looks messy and cluttered.”  I took my customary glance into the rear view mirror to check my face, exited the car and struggled my way through the garage in a maze of old boxes piled high to the rafters, used office furniture, and old paperwork strewn across the concrete floor. 

It was already 8 months P.D. “post divorce” and HIS things were still piled up in MY garage.  Seems as if every time I thought the house was swept clean of him, something mysteriously appeared in a closet or drawer that I had obviously over-looked.  I quickly dismissed any thoughts of him now……I had better things to think about.

Home at last.  I had been out running errands; post office, drug store, bank, gassing up the car.   I tossed my keys, the mail, and a couple of small purchases made that day on the kitchen counter mixing it in with all the other little things I planned on getting to.  I shot a quick glance over to the phone.  No blinking red light indicating any long lost friend, or even foe, would have called.   Slightly disappointed but not discouraged, I quickly darted to the computer to see if I had any e-mails. 

With a quick shake of the mouse, the screen came to life and, surprise!  I had 1, 2, 3….8 e-mails!  “Oh, good,” I thought, “I’ll check them out later.”  Usually the anticipation of “later” was better than the e-mails themselves.  “For now,” I thought, “I’ll revel in the feeling of anticipation.”

Those days I eagerly waited for my phone to ring, or listen for the ding of my computer indicating another e-mail had arrived.

This was all new to me.  This new life they call the single life.  To me, I was divorced, not single.  And at 58, I found that I had a lot of catching up to do.  I was a 1968 teenager stuck in a 2008 world.  And what a changed world it was!    

John and Yoko

You know that revolution in the 70s?  That sexual revolution?  I definitely missed that one!  Right over my head…..gone….nada.

After a 36-year marriage to one man, I was still in the process of retraining myself that “we” is now an “I”… and “us” is just “me”.  Such a strange notion after forty years with one man. 

I was 17 when we met. He was only 16.  December of 1967.  December 16^th, to be exact, our first date.  Seniors in high school.  I thought he was cute.  He thought I was cute.  We dated, and never saw anyone else after that.  Four years later we were walking down the aisle.

Straight from my parent’s home where I was raised, to the home of my husband and me.  Add another 4 years, two moves to two new homes, a baby girl, and 20 months later…..a baby boy.

Fast forward 30+ years and there I was again.  Feeling like I was starting over.  Only this time, alone.   

But now there were more people involved.  Two children…adults…who were married and had families of their own.  Yes, that’s me.  A single grandma.  There I said it.  Grandma.   So proud this grandma is…so proud.

Fast forward again another 4 years. And now the grandchildren number 5!  And they are all age 6 and under!  It’s wonderful.

Today.  I am 62 and am still in my same house.  Despite a bit of arthritis that assaults mostly my hands, I am proud of the things I have accomplished around my home.  It’s amazing what one can do when put to the test.  Sure I need a little extra muscle once in a while, but I can hold my own with a wrench, screw-driver or hammer.   And that little bottle of “Krazy” Glue?  It’s amazing!  Best. Invention. Ever!   And my pool?  Never has the water been so crystal clear.

I even borrowed one of those telescopic tree trimmers last week from a neighbor.  You know the kind. It can stretch out to 20 feet or more?  And has a rope on a pulley system that you yank to cut the tree branches?  I did it!  Lucky I didn’t smash the whole thing through my front window, though.  The pole felt so heavy to me that if I didn’t hold it straight up, the pole would start to lean one way and pull me with it!  The neighbor I borrowed it from yelled out his window asking if I needed any help.  “NO,” I called back, half embarrassed.  I probably looked a bit overwhelmed at that very minute, but it sure felt good that I accomplished my task…alone.  Although I paid for it dearly the next day when my shoulders and the front of my neck ached like never before.

I definitely don’t feel lost as I had during my first year post-divorce, but there are still worries.  Mostly financial concerns about how I will manage.  And if I live anywhere close in age to how long my parents lived?  My mother was just 87 and my dad 100 ½! 

I had quit my job in 2003 from a good, close-to-home, position with the encouragement and support of my “then” husband.  We had an eye on the Golden Years.  We were preparing to be grandparents when all heck broke loose.

My life was turned up-side-down.  There was nothing I could do to make things work.  I tried.  When someone has their mind made-up and is getting encouragement from outsiders, there is nothing you can say to change things.  Looking back, I wish I hadn’t begged and pleaded.  But, as in every situation, we do what we can at the time.

My 5 Favorite People

So here I am, today.  I’ve made some acquaintances through my Blog.  Some of my readers experienced the same difficulties as I.  I’ve connected with friends from my childhood, but most of all I enjoy my children and their families. 

I am fortunate to be able to take care of my grandchildren at least a few days every week.  I give their parents the opportunity to work without worry.  But more importantly, I am building a relationship with my grandchildren that will last a lifetime.  The kids get to attend “grandma school” where they learn the oldies (their favorite is Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis), and countless “Grandmaisms” (Move over Bacon…here comes Sizzleen” and “I ate too much, I ate too fast, now I have to _ _ _”) and rhymes, silly…and not-so-silly songs, and more rhymes.  They even pick up the pace when Grandma commands “Chop-Chop!”

I am confident enough to dine, attend movies, live shows, and weddings alone.  And I am also re-living things with my grandchildren…zoos…museums….Cedar Point.

Now in 2012, as I round that corner and my garage door is inching its way open, my Enclave (safe and big enough to hold ALL my grandchildren) rolls in to a clean, uncluttered garage.  Just as I am living a clean, uncluttered life.

Changed People, Change People

Today it’s officially been 4 years since my divorce was finalized.

I’ve read where it takes about 1 year to heal for every 5 years married.   So, statistically speaking, after my 36 year marriage, before I jump into another committed relationship, I should wait about 7 ½ years. That means I have another 3 ½ years to go.  It’s what the “experts” say anyway, although everyone is different.

But no need to worry.  I am not even remotely looking to jump into any relationship, let alone a committed one.  I relish my alone time way too much.

During my first divorced year, I turned to internet dating sites.  Perhaps it was just for some “validation” I thought I may have needed.  People at any age need to feel wanted or desired. 

I met many people for first “coffee” dates, but only chose to meet a few for a couple dates each.  That was about it.  I think the dating sites helped me feel excited again at a time when it seemed all enjoyment was lost…but that type of excitement was short-lived.

These days, I am happy working at my part-time home-based job, and delighted that I can watch my 5 grandchildren while their parents can work without worry.  Nothing is more important to me than family.

In the 4 years post-divorce, I haven’t been anywhere on vacation or done anything spectacular, but I think it may be time to bust out of my cocoon.  I’ve learned a lot about life, men, marriage, dating, and most of all ME!

Whether change comes through forgiveness or discovery, I like to remind myself that “Changed People, Change People.”

Old Mother Hubbard

What began as a simple search for a small can of chicken broth to take a stab at a new soup recipe, ended up as a total purging of my kitchen cupboard.

I do skim through my cupboards occasionally. 

When the boy-scouts solicit door-to-door in their quest for can goods to benefit the local community pantry, I rummage through my cabinets to donate to this worthy cause. 

When the mailman, through the post-office, makes his yearly appeal for food items, I dig in again and fetch a few more items.

So see?  As I purchase new food, I do clear away the un-used…or so I thought.

But during my hunt for that elusive chicken broth, I came across cans, bottles and boxes of food that….well, let’s just say, were a tad significantly outdated.

Out came cans of veggies, bottles of dressings, cartons of bread crumbs, jars of sauces, and boxes of assorted jellos.  Some containers dated from years back.  Where did the time go?

Since my divorce almost 4 years ago, I don’t cook or bake nearly as much anymore.  Throughout my 36 married years, I had always made dinners…full course meals. Meat, potatoes, vegetable, bread, dessert.  And I always had plenty of food.  Growing up in such a large family, I witnessed food served in large quantities.  Good food, too.  Huge bowls of home-made spaghettis and stews.  Large pans of oven-baked chickens, and flavorful roasts.  And don’t forget the long sheets of pastys (U.P Style) by the dozens, coming from the oven.

Even now, when entertaining, I always have enough to feed an army…no matter what the occasion. 

You can take the girl out of the large family, but you can’t take the large family out of the girl.

So now I have outdated cans, cartons and bottles cleared from the cabinet sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor.  Out to the trash just in time for garbage day.

I’m confident I’ll be back to the grocery store soon to begin re-stocking.  This time, I hope to re-stock much more slowly.  Now where’s that chicken broth?

 

End of Summer

With the last days of summer on the horizon and the searing heat at 98 degrees today, I headed outside thinking I would make use of my swimming pool one last time for the season.  The pool beckoned my family throughout the scorching month of July, but as soon as August came around, the enthusiasm for swimming at grandma’s dwindled.

That happens every year.  Seems as if during June and July the deck is filled every day.  People (me) soaking up the early summer sun, and kids swimming.  But by August, it’s as if we’re already looking for some slightly cooler days.   So I was playing with the thought of closing the pool next week, a bit earlier than usual.

Besides, my pool chemicals are down to the last tablet and I just hate to head to the store for more because then I'd have a full barrel of chlorine sitting all winter long. 

I must proudly admit, though, that in the 5 summers since my divorce (I can’t believe it’s been that long already) that I have been caring for the pool on my own, I have had C-R-Y-S-T-A-L clear water.  Almost unbelievably so.  I don’t understand what the problem was all those years before….humm. 

The only help I need on occasion is with some muscle for opening the chlorine-feeder.  That so-and-so (the chlorine-feeder) is as tight as a drum.  My son fits the muscle requirements.   Luckily the feeder only needs to be wrestled-open every 3 weeks or so.

Anyway, if I am not playing working at my desk, or watching my 5 grandchildren, I am usually outside “playing” in the water.  Today, when I stepped out to use the pool, I noticed that the deck needed a light scrubbing.  Out came the hose, but when I looked up near my dining room window, I spotted one of the ugliest spiders I have ever seen.

I am not afraid of much. 

I take that back……..that’s a lie…a big, bold-faced, mortal-sin lie.

Let’s just say that spiders are ONE of my fears.  Although since being on my own, I’ve noticed that my fears have diminished.  I guess you do what you gotta do.

Anyway, after seeing that eight-legged arthropod beast, I was a little repulsed, but I was gonna get that sucka if it was the last thing I did. 

His web covered much of the diameter of the window.  At least I am assuming it was a He – all the more moxie for me to get him!

Don’t tell PETA, but I was armed with a hose primed to the POWER setting; I had a gallon-sized jug of Home Defense bug spray ready to drown that creepy-crawler; and I had a broom. 

Was that enough power for defending and protecting poor little me?  

Oh yes…my camera.  I ran inside to fetch it so I could document this huge undertaking.

Should I broom him away first and THEN spray the heck out of him?  I decided to spray first. 

I pumped up that blankety-blank jug until the pressure in the little release valve was ready to burst.  Cocked and ready, I pulled the trigger and let him have it.  

Bullseye!

Probably over-kill, but he eventually fell to the ground where the broom did its job.  Smash. 

I took my trusty hose and washed him (what was left of him) through the deck and down-under.   Gone.  Nothing.  Nada.  Safe again.

What’s that saying?  Where there’s one….?

Heed Life's Lessons

As mentioned in my very first post, I am nearing 4 years out of a 40-year relationship with one man.   Thirty-six of those years as married.  After an agonizing tumultuous first year of barely surviving my divorce proceedings, I began to turn my focus to the internet for helpful suggestions, and to search for others who had been through the same ordeal as I. 

Now…before I go any further, I want to tell you that I had PLENTY of suggestions, counsel, and advice in REAL life.  I had the most amazing support from my family.  Without them I am not sure what would have happened.  And, not to depart from the theme here (I hope there is a theme buried somewhere in here) but, and that’s a big but, AT THE TIME, I dropped exactly one pound for every year married!  You do the math!

Only 3 short years ago, during my much-protested (by me) divorce, I had just begun a new part-time position at home.  I had "retired" from my 18 year stint as an office manager at an engineering company (with full support of my ex) to start the next chapter of my life and to babysit for grandchildren.   During this same time, my dear mother was nearing the end of her life.  Her loving husband of 67 years took care of her every need until he was no longer able (at age 97).  It was then that, again, my supportive family came to the rescue.  We kept my mother in her own home until she died.  Lots of work, stress, and long hours.  We did it though, and, for that, everyone is thankful.  And now, this June 3^rd, 2011, my dad will be celebrating his…….get this……100^th Birthday!  Since my divorce, my dad gets around more than I…and I am beginning to get jealous!   

The reason I mention my family issues is because I want to let you to know the tremendous amount of pressure and anxiety that was taking place in my life all at once.  Betrayal.  Death.  Divorce. New Job.  


Alas!  Not all was on the down side though.  In that same time period, I also had 3 more precious grandchildren make their way into the world!  I have a total of 5 now!  And I am soooo thankful that I am involved daily in their lives.  It’s been a blessing...a Godsend.

But back to my theme(?).  In cyber-space, everything you (n)ever wanted to know about divorce is out there… advice for young couples, advice for couples with children, advice on “how to get back with your ex,” advice for coping.    

But I was looking to communicate or read the blog of…of…someone like ME...a “reasonably” intelligent woman, “slightly” older.  Someone with a wealth bit of humor and practicality.  Someone family-oriented, but had lots of a limited amount of time for herself.

I wanted to communicate with that person who thought she’d had a somewhat “normal” marriage.  Now, don’t get hung-up on the words “normal marriage”.  All marriages have their faults.  I am fully aware of my faults, the faults as a couple, and “the ex’s” faults.  I am also aware of the good, and sometimes very good, strengths that I, and even “the ex,” sometimes brought to the marriage.

I was searching to share life-experiences or read about a woman with a long-term marriage that ended as abruptly as mine, and whose grown, adult, out-of-the-house children were content in their lives, as mine are.  I was searching to communicate with someone who was at the brink of embarking on a new chapter (the wonderful “golden” years) in her life and then suddenly had it all ripped away.

I still haven’t been able to find that person...not quite.  Perhaps there is no one with an experience quite like mine as everyone's life travels a different path.  But I believe people are out there.  People who have not come forward to talk about their heartache.  Hence, this blog.  Slowly but surely, as one gets to know me…the real me…perhaps they, too, will come out of the woodwork to share their story and begin the healing process.

I think it’s necessary to meet women who share the same interests/background as me.  That's important. You want to really start figuring out who you are and what you're all about. Most men dive back into dating too soon after a divorce and find the same woman again...many before leaving the first one!

I am finding that most men NEED a woman in their life.  Most women do NOT need a man.  Unfortunately, sometimes finances play a part in what a woman needs.  For those younger who can sustain themselves and their families and do it ALL alone?  I give you so much credit.  You show how capable you really are and should be proud.

Learn from your experience and from your last relationship. Welcome those lessons learned.  You will be satisfied with YOURSELF. 

Beware:  If you are divorced or out of a long-term relationship, it’s necessary to experience the pain.   A new relationsh­ip takes away the pain, BUT the step to recovery that you are skipping over by entering into a too-soon new relationship, is a most important one. 

This is the time for self-examination and to understand what your contribution (or lack of) did to the relationsh­ip.  YOU will be the one to succeed.  Why? Because then you have a chance to LEARN and to do BETTER.

Internet Dating – Tier Three - Face

Tier Three – The Face-to-Face.  Woo Hoo! (But don’t start celebrating yet!)  Finally...a graduate from Tier Two - The Phone Call.  One of a few who has now made it to the finals. Tier 3 – The Face-to-Face.  First the Brain, then the Voice, and now, the Face.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve met a small portion of pleasant men at first “coffee” meeting from these sites.  BUT…and it’s quite a big BUT…I’ve also met many more men with strange quirks. 

Men who drink too much.  Men who trash their ex-wives, who talk too loud, who talk too quietly, who are cheap, who are extravagant, who don’t comb their hair (which makes me wonder if they know what a toothbrush and floss are for), and don’t forget the dreaded “porn-stache”. 

I’ve met men who wear filthy baseball hats, wear white socks with sandals, wear LOUD T-shirts advertising cartoon characters (yuk), men who curse too much, men who don’t talk enough…well...you get the idea. 

And don’t forget, these men were some of the most promising who had made my first two cuts.  OMG!  Out of these top graduates, most did NOT turn into real dates after the first introductory get together.
   
I only chose to date a very few. Would you believe that there were even a few who didn’t seem to want to date me?  (gasp)…go figure...must have been something wrong with them. lol   

Of the few I did choose to meet again (I’ll tell you about them in another post one day), no one has captured my interest beyond a date or two. 

Have a Happy Easter!

Internet Dating - Tier Two - Voice

I’ve found that as soon as you give out your cell number (a gal’s got to be careful) over e-mail, the phone rings immediately.  Doesn’t matter what the time….even during the wee hours of the morning. 

I learned this late one evening when the ringer on my phone interrupted the nighttime silence, startling me.  The call came only seconds after sending my number out to someone by e-mail.  I thought it strange at first, but have come to discover that it is commonplace.

So…the phone rings and you talk.  If the talk is give-and-take, then that’s a great thing (it’s not fun being ALL on the “listening” side or being ALL on the “chatty” side…I’ve been on both ends).  Is he asking the “right” kind of questions?  It’s a delicate balance. 

If there are too many personal questions, you feel like you are giving out too much information.  If there are no questions and it’s all about him, he seems uninterested.  Just watch for the questions (or requests) that are too personal…some of them deserve a hang-up…being just this side of an obscene call.

Then there is the voice.  I hate to admit it, but yes, even the voice matters…to me, at least.  Proper English? Accent?  Too loud?  Too soft?  Too much profanity?  If you don’t like something now, it will only get worse as you get acquainted.

You can learn a lot about a person from a phone call.  Listen carefully.  Read between the lines.

So he passed Tier Two - The Voice?  Then it’s on to Tier Three – Face-to-Face.

Click here to read more about Internet Dating Fun.