Changed People, Change People

Today it’s officially been 4 years since my divorce was finalized.

I’ve read where it takes about 1 year to heal for every 5 years married.   So, statistically speaking, after my 36 year marriage, before I jump into another committed relationship, I should wait about 7 ½ years. That means I have another 3 ½ years to go.  It’s what the “experts” say anyway, although everyone is different.

But no need to worry.  I am not even remotely looking to jump into any relationship, let alone a committed one.  I relish my alone time way too much.

During my first divorced year, I turned to internet dating sites.  Perhaps it was just for some “validation” I thought I may have needed.  People at any age need to feel wanted or desired. 

I met many people for first “coffee” dates, but only chose to meet a few for a couple dates each.  That was about it.  I think the dating sites helped me feel excited again at a time when it seemed all enjoyment was lost…but that type of excitement was short-lived.

These days, I am happy working at my part-time home-based job, and delighted that I can watch my 5 grandchildren while their parents can work without worry.  Nothing is more important to me than family.

In the 4 years post-divorce, I haven’t been anywhere on vacation or done anything spectacular, but I think it may be time to bust out of my cocoon.  I’ve learned a lot about life, men, marriage, dating, and most of all ME!

Whether change comes through forgiveness or discovery, I like to remind myself that “Changed People, Change People.”

Internet Dating – Tier Three - Face

Tier Three – The Face-to-Face.  Woo Hoo! (But don’t start celebrating yet!)  Finally...a graduate from Tier Two - The Phone Call.  One of a few who has now made it to the finals. Tier 3 – The Face-to-Face.  First the Brain, then the Voice, and now, the Face.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve met a small portion of pleasant men at first “coffee” meeting from these sites.  BUT…and it’s quite a big BUT…I’ve also met many more men with strange quirks. 

Men who drink too much.  Men who trash their ex-wives, who talk too loud, who talk too quietly, who are cheap, who are extravagant, who don’t comb their hair (which makes me wonder if they know what a toothbrush and floss are for), and don’t forget the dreaded “porn-stache”. 

I’ve met men who wear filthy baseball hats, wear white socks with sandals, wear LOUD T-shirts advertising cartoon characters (yuk), men who curse too much, men who don’t talk enough…well...you get the idea. 

And don’t forget, these men were some of the most promising who had made my first two cuts.  OMG!  Out of these top graduates, most did NOT turn into real dates after the first introductory get together.
   
I only chose to date a very few. Would you believe that there were even a few who didn’t seem to want to date me?  (gasp)…go figure...must have been something wrong with them. lol   

Of the few I did choose to meet again (I’ll tell you about them in another post one day), no one has captured my interest beyond a date or two. 

Have a Happy Easter!

Internet Dating - Tier Two - Voice

I’ve found that as soon as you give out your cell number (a gal’s got to be careful) over e-mail, the phone rings immediately.  Doesn’t matter what the time….even during the wee hours of the morning. 

I learned this late one evening when the ringer on my phone interrupted the nighttime silence, startling me.  The call came only seconds after sending my number out to someone by e-mail.  I thought it strange at first, but have come to discover that it is commonplace.

So…the phone rings and you talk.  If the talk is give-and-take, then that’s a great thing (it’s not fun being ALL on the “listening” side or being ALL on the “chatty” side…I’ve been on both ends).  Is he asking the “right” kind of questions?  It’s a delicate balance. 

If there are too many personal questions, you feel like you are giving out too much information.  If there are no questions and it’s all about him, he seems uninterested.  Just watch for the questions (or requests) that are too personal…some of them deserve a hang-up…being just this side of an obscene call.

Then there is the voice.  I hate to admit it, but yes, even the voice matters…to me, at least.  Proper English? Accent?  Too loud?  Too soft?  Too much profanity?  If you don’t like something now, it will only get worse as you get acquainted.

You can learn a lot about a person from a phone call.  Listen carefully.  Read between the lines.

So he passed Tier Two - The Voice?  Then it’s on to Tier Three – Face-to-Face.

Click here to read more about Internet Dating Fun.
 

Internet Dating – Secret Recipe

Here are the conditions I use to decide if I should even write to someone…let alone meet them.  There are 3 basic tiers I require the prospective suitor to meet:

Tier One - Text/Profile or “If He Only Had A Brain”:   I DO scrutinize the profile and e-mail.  Lots of people say they don’t judge and that it's wrong to judge.  I say you HAVE to judge!  How else do you choose?  We are constantly judging everyone and everything.  People perceive judging as a negative…but it’s NOT a negative…it’s a positive!  OK now, back to the skinny…

The Profile (Brain) (and yes, that DOES include close scrutiny of the picture(s) they choose to post…no need to feel guilty about that.  Contrary to what some say…it’s NOT shallow).  I closely observe how they’re dressed. What’s with those undershirt shots?  

Study the background in the picture.  It’s amazing what you may see. Look at the house (or heaven forbid, the beach) they’re standing in.  I closely inspect their children (yes…a picture of a strange, tattooed, pants-on-the-ground, gold-grill-in-his-mouth kid WILL nix the deal...YO…like-father-like-son (or daughter).

Does his profile text read well and follow some kind of logic…at least a little?  It's unbelievable how many don’t use any punctuation!  It makes the profile impossible to read!  I can overlook a few typos or even some spelling errors but, come on now. Your profile has to make sense!  You ARE trying to make an impression, aren’t you?  A good impression? 

Don’t misunderstand.  I am not knocking a lack of education, by any means. I don’t look for the most educated person, but I do seek out COMMON SENSE.  A hard-working, common sense, truthful person is what’s most important.  I’ve come across a couple of medical doctors on the site who were downright rude, full of themselves, and had questionable morals! 

On another note.  What is it with men and communication?  They WANT to keep an open chat going via e-mail, but EVERY note they send leads to a dead-end.  I always ask a question or two to keep the conversation moving along.  IF, by a slim chance they answer my question (didn’t they READ my note?), they never make a query in return.  Don’t they know that ENDS the conversation?  Then they write back a week later and want to know what happened!  Strange. 

If my potential date succeeds in passing Tier 1, The Brain (MOST on POF haven’t made it out of Tier 1, and never will), then they graduate and it’s on to Tier Two - The Voice.

Click here to read another fun post about Internet Dating

Internet Dating 101- Two Years Later!

911!   After a couple months years (has it been that long?) of scrolling through countless internet dating profiles, the men all look the same….WAIT….I think they ARE the same! 

I believe it may have something to do with those unruly mustaches hanging under all their noses.  Funny. Reminds me of the push-broom that’s been hanging in my garage all these years!   

Listen…I love a little facial hair! A shadow, or a closely (closely being the operative word) trimmed goatee…great.  But that big bushy “porn-stache?” Well, that’s GOTTA GO!  NOW!  The ONLY person that can still pull off all the hair on their upper lip is Tom Selleck …and even he needs to bring his 70s look up-to-date.

It’s unbelievable to me but, yes, two years have passed since I apprehensively filled out my very first internet dating profile.  And what a two years it’s been.

I feel as if I know these poor souls men whose profiles’ stare back at me from behind the safety of my screen.  Some profiles disappear, only to return again a month or two later.  Explanation?  They found their soul-mate (I detest the word soul-mate), only to discover (again, and again, and again) that they had made an error in judgment.

My profile, along with many others, eventually expanded to include a few other dating websites.  Sites with names limited only by your imagination.   Take my word, there is a site to suit everyone’s needs…from the usual suspects to the unconventional.  All yours at the touch of a keyboard.

While on “Match,” someone I knew from my small community whose picture popped up daily on my screen, suggested I try out a free site he had discovered…a Completely. Free. Site.   Plenty of Fish (POF).   You know that old saying?  You get what you pay for?  How absolutely fitting. 

Tomorrow I’ll tell you my own secret recipe I follow before meeting a prospective date.

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Internet Dating 101 – First Day On-Line

I was pretty pleased (especially as a newbie to dating sites) with the profile I had written the night before.  It was truthful, informed the reader a little about me, and showed accurate photos of me.

The next morning I was anxious and excited to see if my profile had attracted any attention.  Much to my surprise, when I logged on to my e-mail, I had a number of inquiries, comments, and interest.

Of course, all the attention piqued my interest immensely.  So perhaps there ARE lots of “over 50s” out there, I thought. 

Now that I am more mature and wiser, I was going to be very picky.  It was not only my right to be choosey, but it was a duty that I owed myself, and definitely, my family.  I didn’t want or need any drama in my life.  I had been through enough of that during my divorce. 

Soon inquiries came pouring in.  Many filled with compliments.  It was those compliments, the get-togethers that were planned at little restaurants or coffee shops, and the on-line chats that helped me come alive after my divorce. 

When I say “come alive,” I mean that the dating site had sparked an interest in something new and exciting.  For getting me THROUGH my difficult divorce, I have to give credit to my family and, especially, to a few of my sisters.  Without them, I may not have made it.

Continue Here for more Internet Dating Fun.

Internet Dating 101 – Even More Profile Questions

My likes?  Interests?  What I was looking for?   

I struggled with the notion that perhaps I shouldn’t be filling out this nonsense at all…especially for all the world to see.  I mean, I wasn’t really looking for anything or anyone particular.  The absolute LAST thing on my mind was marriage. 

Truthfully?   I was just beginning to relish my “alone” time (as alone you one can get babysitting part-time for 5 grandchildren under the age of 6, and working part-time in my home office).  This was the very first time in my life that I was living on my own and, frankly, I was enjoying it.  

I can definitely see how someone who lives alone can get set in their ways.  
And yes, there were/are worries to being alone:  finances being the biggest; wondering about old age without being a burden on my children.  Lots of other less significant worries, too, but most, I must say, have worked out. 

You know?  One doesn’t know how strong (or handy around the house) they can be until put to the test.  I have amazed myself at what I have been able to accomplish.  It’s a great feeling!

After some light soul-searching (light being the operative word), I was able to put together a few short paragraphs about me and satisfactorily complete my profile.  I added a few photos of myself and was ready to post my new profile out there for all the world to see.

Continue Internet Dating

Internet Dating 101 – Profile Problems

So, on that sleepless night at 2:30 in the morning, I cautiously started filling-out the required questionnaire in order to build my Profile. 

Status.   Hummmm.  Believe it or not, that was a hard one.  With the exception of my early childhood, I had been with one person since I was 17.  I’d been married my whole life!  And now I was blankly staring at the multiple-choice question…Single? Married? Divorced? Widowed? 

I realize some refer to themselves as “single” post-divorce, but I didn’t feel that was being truthful.  Choosing “single” seemed as if I was ignoring the past 40 years of my life. 

Married?  Definitely not. 

Widowed?  Unfortunately not (that’s a JOKE people, lighten up!). 

Divorced? Divorced was the answer, but I still found it a bit difficult to place that little “x” next to the word Divorced. 

Divorce wasn’t easy for me.  Marriage was something I thought would be for a lifetime, no matter what.  Plus, by the time I was aware of anything unusual happening in my marriage, it was too late.  I had no choice in the matter.  One can only fight (or beg) to keep their family together for so long.

Click here to read the next story about my Internet Dating Fun(?)

Internet Dating 101 – Taking the Plunge

Time to ‘fess up.  A few short years ago, following a 40-year relationship with one man (36 of those years married), on one-of-many sleepless nights, I found myself sitting in front of my computer screen (which, by the way, does NOTHING to help one get back to sleep). 

Still, even at two years post-divorce, I hadn’t been bothering to log-out or close down my computer at bedtime.  I’d wake after such restless sleep so often during the night that logging in to cyberspace in the wee hours of the morning was more the norm, than not.

On an impulse one particular night, when nothing more than infomercials could be found on the tube (remind me to tell you about the incredible “In-Styler” I purchased one night), I began browsing (perhaps “window shopping” is a more appropriate term) through a popular on-line dating site.   You know, one of those all-the-rage sites advertised on TV where they proclaim your “Match” is waiting?  Your soul-mate?

I was personally aware of a few success stories of new-found love meeting over such sites.  But those were mostly for “young” people, I thought.  Not for 50 and 60 somethings…or was it?

Continue Internet Dating