Heed Life's Lessons

As mentioned in my very first post, I am nearing 4 years out of a 40-year relationship with one man.   Thirty-six of those years as married.  After an agonizing tumultuous first year of barely surviving my divorce proceedings, I began to turn my focus to the internet for helpful suggestions, and to search for others who had been through the same ordeal as I. 

Now…before I go any further, I want to tell you that I had PLENTY of suggestions, counsel, and advice in REAL life.  I had the most amazing support from my family.  Without them I am not sure what would have happened.  And, not to depart from the theme here (I hope there is a theme buried somewhere in here) but, and that’s a big but, AT THE TIME, I dropped exactly one pound for every year married!  You do the math!

Only 3 short years ago, during my much-protested (by me) divorce, I had just begun a new part-time position at home.  I had "retired" from my 18 year stint as an office manager at an engineering company (with full support of my ex) to start the next chapter of my life and to babysit for grandchildren.   During this same time, my dear mother was nearing the end of her life.  Her loving husband of 67 years took care of her every need until he was no longer able (at age 97).  It was then that, again, my supportive family came to the rescue.  We kept my mother in her own home until she died.  Lots of work, stress, and long hours.  We did it though, and, for that, everyone is thankful.  And now, this June 3^rd, 2011, my dad will be celebrating his…….get this……100^th Birthday!  Since my divorce, my dad gets around more than I…and I am beginning to get jealous!   

The reason I mention my family issues is because I want to let you to know the tremendous amount of pressure and anxiety that was taking place in my life all at once.  Betrayal.  Death.  Divorce. New Job.  


Alas!  Not all was on the down side though.  In that same time period, I also had 3 more precious grandchildren make their way into the world!  I have a total of 5 now!  And I am soooo thankful that I am involved daily in their lives.  It’s been a blessing...a Godsend.

But back to my theme(?).  In cyber-space, everything you (n)ever wanted to know about divorce is out there… advice for young couples, advice for couples with children, advice on “how to get back with your ex,” advice for coping.    

But I was looking to communicate or read the blog of…of…someone like ME...a “reasonably” intelligent woman, “slightly” older.  Someone with a wealth bit of humor and practicality.  Someone family-oriented, but had lots of a limited amount of time for herself.

I wanted to communicate with that person who thought she’d had a somewhat “normal” marriage.  Now, don’t get hung-up on the words “normal marriage”.  All marriages have their faults.  I am fully aware of my faults, the faults as a couple, and “the ex’s” faults.  I am also aware of the good, and sometimes very good, strengths that I, and even “the ex,” sometimes brought to the marriage.

I was searching to share life-experiences or read about a woman with a long-term marriage that ended as abruptly as mine, and whose grown, adult, out-of-the-house children were content in their lives, as mine are.  I was searching to communicate with someone who was at the brink of embarking on a new chapter (the wonderful “golden” years) in her life and then suddenly had it all ripped away.

I still haven’t been able to find that person...not quite.  Perhaps there is no one with an experience quite like mine as everyone's life travels a different path.  But I believe people are out there.  People who have not come forward to talk about their heartache.  Hence, this blog.  Slowly but surely, as one gets to know me…the real me…perhaps they, too, will come out of the woodwork to share their story and begin the healing process.

I think it’s necessary to meet women who share the same interests/background as me.  That's important. You want to really start figuring out who you are and what you're all about. Most men dive back into dating too soon after a divorce and find the same woman again...many before leaving the first one!

I am finding that most men NEED a woman in their life.  Most women do NOT need a man.  Unfortunately, sometimes finances play a part in what a woman needs.  For those younger who can sustain themselves and their families and do it ALL alone?  I give you so much credit.  You show how capable you really are and should be proud.

Learn from your experience and from your last relationship. Welcome those lessons learned.  You will be satisfied with YOURSELF. 

Beware:  If you are divorced or out of a long-term relationship, it’s necessary to experience the pain.   A new relationsh­ip takes away the pain, BUT the step to recovery that you are skipping over by entering into a too-soon new relationship, is a most important one. 

This is the time for self-examination and to understand what your contribution (or lack of) did to the relationsh­ip.  YOU will be the one to succeed.  Why? Because then you have a chance to LEARN and to do BETTER.

Internet Dating – Tier Three - Face

Tier Three – The Face-to-Face.  Woo Hoo! (But don’t start celebrating yet!)  Finally...a graduate from Tier Two - The Phone Call.  One of a few who has now made it to the finals. Tier 3 – The Face-to-Face.  First the Brain, then the Voice, and now, the Face.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve met a small portion of pleasant men at first “coffee” meeting from these sites.  BUT…and it’s quite a big BUT…I’ve also met many more men with strange quirks. 

Men who drink too much.  Men who trash their ex-wives, who talk too loud, who talk too quietly, who are cheap, who are extravagant, who don’t comb their hair (which makes me wonder if they know what a toothbrush and floss are for), and don’t forget the dreaded “porn-stache”. 

I’ve met men who wear filthy baseball hats, wear white socks with sandals, wear LOUD T-shirts advertising cartoon characters (yuk), men who curse too much, men who don’t talk enough…well...you get the idea. 

And don’t forget, these men were some of the most promising who had made my first two cuts.  OMG!  Out of these top graduates, most did NOT turn into real dates after the first introductory get together.
   
I only chose to date a very few. Would you believe that there were even a few who didn’t seem to want to date me?  (gasp)…go figure...must have been something wrong with them. lol   

Of the few I did choose to meet again (I’ll tell you about them in another post one day), no one has captured my interest beyond a date or two. 

Have a Happy Easter!

Internet Dating - Tier Two - Voice

I’ve found that as soon as you give out your cell number (a gal’s got to be careful) over e-mail, the phone rings immediately.  Doesn’t matter what the time….even during the wee hours of the morning. 

I learned this late one evening when the ringer on my phone interrupted the nighttime silence, startling me.  The call came only seconds after sending my number out to someone by e-mail.  I thought it strange at first, but have come to discover that it is commonplace.

So…the phone rings and you talk.  If the talk is give-and-take, then that’s a great thing (it’s not fun being ALL on the “listening” side or being ALL on the “chatty” side…I’ve been on both ends).  Is he asking the “right” kind of questions?  It’s a delicate balance. 

If there are too many personal questions, you feel like you are giving out too much information.  If there are no questions and it’s all about him, he seems uninterested.  Just watch for the questions (or requests) that are too personal…some of them deserve a hang-up…being just this side of an obscene call.

Then there is the voice.  I hate to admit it, but yes, even the voice matters…to me, at least.  Proper English? Accent?  Too loud?  Too soft?  Too much profanity?  If you don’t like something now, it will only get worse as you get acquainted.

You can learn a lot about a person from a phone call.  Listen carefully.  Read between the lines.

So he passed Tier Two - The Voice?  Then it’s on to Tier Three – Face-to-Face.

Click here to read more about Internet Dating Fun.
 

Internet Dating – Secret Recipe

Here are the conditions I use to decide if I should even write to someone…let alone meet them.  There are 3 basic tiers I require the prospective suitor to meet:

Tier One - Text/Profile or “If He Only Had A Brain”:   I DO scrutinize the profile and e-mail.  Lots of people say they don’t judge and that it's wrong to judge.  I say you HAVE to judge!  How else do you choose?  We are constantly judging everyone and everything.  People perceive judging as a negative…but it’s NOT a negative…it’s a positive!  OK now, back to the skinny…

The Profile (Brain) (and yes, that DOES include close scrutiny of the picture(s) they choose to post…no need to feel guilty about that.  Contrary to what some say…it’s NOT shallow).  I closely observe how they’re dressed. What’s with those undershirt shots?  

Study the background in the picture.  It’s amazing what you may see. Look at the house (or heaven forbid, the beach) they’re standing in.  I closely inspect their children (yes…a picture of a strange, tattooed, pants-on-the-ground, gold-grill-in-his-mouth kid WILL nix the deal...YO…like-father-like-son (or daughter).

Does his profile text read well and follow some kind of logic…at least a little?  It's unbelievable how many don’t use any punctuation!  It makes the profile impossible to read!  I can overlook a few typos or even some spelling errors but, come on now. Your profile has to make sense!  You ARE trying to make an impression, aren’t you?  A good impression? 

Don’t misunderstand.  I am not knocking a lack of education, by any means. I don’t look for the most educated person, but I do seek out COMMON SENSE.  A hard-working, common sense, truthful person is what’s most important.  I’ve come across a couple of medical doctors on the site who were downright rude, full of themselves, and had questionable morals! 

On another note.  What is it with men and communication?  They WANT to keep an open chat going via e-mail, but EVERY note they send leads to a dead-end.  I always ask a question or two to keep the conversation moving along.  IF, by a slim chance they answer my question (didn’t they READ my note?), they never make a query in return.  Don’t they know that ENDS the conversation?  Then they write back a week later and want to know what happened!  Strange. 

If my potential date succeeds in passing Tier 1, The Brain (MOST on POF haven’t made it out of Tier 1, and never will), then they graduate and it’s on to Tier Two - The Voice.

Click here to read another fun post about Internet Dating

Internet Dating 101- Two Years Later!

911!   After a couple months years (has it been that long?) of scrolling through countless internet dating profiles, the men all look the same….WAIT….I think they ARE the same! 

I believe it may have something to do with those unruly mustaches hanging under all their noses.  Funny. Reminds me of the push-broom that’s been hanging in my garage all these years!   

Listen…I love a little facial hair! A shadow, or a closely (closely being the operative word) trimmed goatee…great.  But that big bushy “porn-stache?” Well, that’s GOTTA GO!  NOW!  The ONLY person that can still pull off all the hair on their upper lip is Tom Selleck …and even he needs to bring his 70s look up-to-date.

It’s unbelievable to me but, yes, two years have passed since I apprehensively filled out my very first internet dating profile.  And what a two years it’s been.

I feel as if I know these poor souls men whose profiles’ stare back at me from behind the safety of my screen.  Some profiles disappear, only to return again a month or two later.  Explanation?  They found their soul-mate (I detest the word soul-mate), only to discover (again, and again, and again) that they had made an error in judgment.

My profile, along with many others, eventually expanded to include a few other dating websites.  Sites with names limited only by your imagination.   Take my word, there is a site to suit everyone’s needs…from the usual suspects to the unconventional.  All yours at the touch of a keyboard.

While on “Match,” someone I knew from my small community whose picture popped up daily on my screen, suggested I try out a free site he had discovered…a Completely. Free. Site.   Plenty of Fish (POF).   You know that old saying?  You get what you pay for?  How absolutely fitting. 

Tomorrow I’ll tell you my own secret recipe I follow before meeting a prospective date.

Click here to read more about Internet Dating Fun

Internet Dating 101 – First Day On-Line

I was pretty pleased (especially as a newbie to dating sites) with the profile I had written the night before.  It was truthful, informed the reader a little about me, and showed accurate photos of me.

The next morning I was anxious and excited to see if my profile had attracted any attention.  Much to my surprise, when I logged on to my e-mail, I had a number of inquiries, comments, and interest.

Of course, all the attention piqued my interest immensely.  So perhaps there ARE lots of “over 50s” out there, I thought. 

Now that I am more mature and wiser, I was going to be very picky.  It was not only my right to be choosey, but it was a duty that I owed myself, and definitely, my family.  I didn’t want or need any drama in my life.  I had been through enough of that during my divorce. 

Soon inquiries came pouring in.  Many filled with compliments.  It was those compliments, the get-togethers that were planned at little restaurants or coffee shops, and the on-line chats that helped me come alive after my divorce. 

When I say “come alive,” I mean that the dating site had sparked an interest in something new and exciting.  For getting me THROUGH my difficult divorce, I have to give credit to my family and, especially, to a few of my sisters.  Without them, I may not have made it.

Continue Here for more Internet Dating Fun.

Internet Dating 101 – Even More Profile Questions

My likes?  Interests?  What I was looking for?   

I struggled with the notion that perhaps I shouldn’t be filling out this nonsense at all…especially for all the world to see.  I mean, I wasn’t really looking for anything or anyone particular.  The absolute LAST thing on my mind was marriage. 

Truthfully?   I was just beginning to relish my “alone” time (as alone you one can get babysitting part-time for 5 grandchildren under the age of 6, and working part-time in my home office).  This was the very first time in my life that I was living on my own and, frankly, I was enjoying it.  

I can definitely see how someone who lives alone can get set in their ways.  
And yes, there were/are worries to being alone:  finances being the biggest; wondering about old age without being a burden on my children.  Lots of other less significant worries, too, but most, I must say, have worked out. 

You know?  One doesn’t know how strong (or handy around the house) they can be until put to the test.  I have amazed myself at what I have been able to accomplish.  It’s a great feeling!

After some light soul-searching (light being the operative word), I was able to put together a few short paragraphs about me and satisfactorily complete my profile.  I added a few photos of myself and was ready to post my new profile out there for all the world to see.

Continue Internet Dating