Saturday, May 28, 2011

Heed Life's Lessons

As mentioned in my very first post, I am nearing 4 years out of a 40-year relationship with one man.   Thirty-six of those years as married.  After an agonizing tumultuous first year of barely surviving my divorce proceedings, I began to turn my focus to the internet for helpful suggestions, and to search for others who had been through the same ordeal as I. 

Now…before I go any further, I want to tell you that I had PLENTY of suggestions, counsel, and advice in REAL life.  I had the most amazing support from my family.  Without them I am not sure what would have happened.  And, not to depart from the theme here (I hope there is a theme buried somewhere in here) but, and that’s a big but, AT THE TIME, I dropped exactly one pound for every year married!  You do the math!

Only 3 short years ago, during my much-protested (by me) divorce, I had just begun a new part-time position at home.  I had "retired" from my 18 year stint as an office manager at an engineering company (with full support of my ex) to start the next chapter of my life and to babysit for grandchildren.   During this same time, my dear mother was nearing the end of her life.  Her loving husband of 67 years took care of her every need until he was no longer able (at age 97).  It was then that, again, my supportive family came to the rescue.  We kept my mother in her own home until she died.  Lots of work, stress, and long hours.  We did it though, and, for that, everyone is thankful.  And now, this June 3rd, 2011, my dad will be celebrating his…….get this……100th Birthday!  Since my divorce, my dad gets around more than I…and I am beginning to get jealous!   

The reason I mention my family issues is because I want to let you to know the tremendous amount of pressure and anxiety that was taking place in my life all at once.  Betrayal.  Death.  Divorce. New Job.  

Alas!  Not all was on the down side though.  In that same time period, I also had 3 more precious grandchildren make their way into the world!  I have a total of 5 now!  And I am soooo thankful that I am involved daily in their lives.  It’s been a blessing...a Godsend.

But back to my theme(?).  In cyber-space, everything you (n)ever wanted to know about divorce is out there… advice for young couples, advice for couples with children, advice on “how to get back with your ex,” advice for coping.    

But I was looking to communicate or read the blog of…of…someone like ME...a “reasonably” intelligent woman, “slightly” older.  Someone with a wealth bit of humor and practicality.  Someone family-oriented, but had lots of a limited amount of time for herself.

I wanted to communicate with that person who thought she’d had a somewhat “normal” marriage.  Now, don’t get hung-up on the words “normal marriage”.  All marriages have their faults.  I am fully aware of my faults, the faults as a couple, and “the ex’s” faults.  I am also aware of the good, and sometimes very good, strengths that I, and even “the ex,” sometimes brought to the marriage.

I was searching to share life-experiences or read about a woman with a long-term marriage that ended as abruptly as mine, and whose grown, adult, out-of-the-house children were content in their lives, as mine are.  I was searching to communicate with someone who was at the brink of embarking on a new chapter (the wonderful “golden” years) in her life and then suddenly had it all ripped away.

I still haven’t been able to find that person...not quite.  Perhaps there is no one with an experience quite like mine as everyone's life travels a different path.  But I believe people are out there.  People who have not come forward to talk about their heartache.  Hence, this blog.  Slowly but surely, as one gets to know me…the real me…perhaps they, too, will come out of the woodwork to share their story and begin the healing process.

I think it’s necessary to meet women who share the same interests/background as me.  That's important. You want to really start figuring out who you are and what you're all about. Most men dive back into dating too soon after a divorce and find the same woman again...many before leaving the first one!

I am finding that most men NEED a woman in their life.  Most women do NOT need a man.  Unfortunately, sometimes finances play a part in what a woman needs.  For those younger who can sustain themselves and their families and do it ALL alone?  I give you so much credit.  You show how capable you really are and should be proud.

Learn from your experience and from your last relationship. Welcome those lessons learned.  You will be satisfied with YOURSELF. 

Beware:  If you are divorced or out of a long-term relationship, it’s necessary to experience the pain.   A new relationsh­ip takes away the pain, BUT the step to recovery that you are skipping over by entering into a too-soon new relationship, is a most important one. 

This is the time for self-examination and to understand what your contribution (or lack of) did to the relationsh­ip.  YOU will be the one to succeed.  Why? Because then you have a chance to LEARN and to do BETTER.


  1. Yes, we DO seem to have much in common. I found your blog while doing the same search you wrote about in this post. I look forward to reading more.

    For some reason I can't log in to my account so that my comment links back to my profile.

  2. I totally agree with the part about experiencing the pain. Fighting the pain of divorce is just going to make it worse. You could become unhappier, bitter, and any chance of reconciliation, civility or normalcy during the post-divorce might diminish. It’s important to stay strong, but to not let yourself feel the pain, will do the opposite of helping you move on. It’s like driving on a road with a speed bump. Not acknowledging that it’s there doesn’t mean you won’t go over it. To get to the rest of the road, you HAVE to go over that speed bump.

  3. Thanks for your comment. Just remember; those "speed-bumps" are there for a reason. We DO have to get through them to get to the other side, but we have to slow down a bit at those bumps before we can pick up speed again and be on our merry way.

  4. Darcy, what you’ve said about speed bumps reminded me of myself years ago. I’ve been so used to numbing myself so I wouldn’t feel pain. But you know what? You are right. Ignoring it doesn’t mean it is not there. Restraint can actually just make the ride through the bumps more rigid and felt. Let yourself experience the pain, so you can totally say you’ve survived through that misery.

    Louisa Matsuura

  5. Thanks, Louisa, for your comment. love, Love, LOVE, that women are's truly does help!

  6. “If you are divorced or out of a long-term relationship, it’s necessary to experience the pain.”--- True enough. It’s just really normal for you to feel hurt. If you want to cry, then cry. If it’s the only way for you to ease the pain, then do so. I think the best way to deal with it is to find comfort and love. Well, you’re gonna have that. You have your family and you have friends to lean on. I’m sure you’re gonna get through this just fine. There are a lot of people who went through a divorce and but were okay, even better, afterwards. You can also do it!


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